Divorcing With Sanity

[Image: A drawing of what my sanity looked like back in 2009 - and we weren't even divorcing yet.] A 1968 study found that teachers make around 1,500 educational decisions per day. Yup. And that was in 1968. Imagine what the number is like now! Should I move that kid? Should I call on her now or wait? Do I blow up at them now? Should I scrap this lesson and try something different? How can I restructure my lesson to match the kids’ energies today? Half the class didn’t do their homework - what else can I do? Do I bring them to the bathroom now? A thousand of these. All before lunchtime. For a teacher who is going through divorce, this is only half your life. The REAL Life-Changing Decisions (+1,500) After the school bell rings, the other half is waiting. How much alimony should I be asking for? What kind of custody arrangements should I set that is best for my children? How are we going to settle the assets and joint bank accounts? Am I asking for too much? Am I asking for too litt...

"The night is the hardest time to be alive, and 4am knows all my secrets." - Poppy Z. Brite During my post-divorce depression, I used to love the silence of the night. I became unsure if I was sleeping at 6am because I truly had insomnia, or simply because 4am was the only time I felt safe enough to be myself. I would stand at my window, talk to the tree outside, and listen to the whispers of the stars. When the sun began to rise, a cold, sinking feeling would overcome me. I dreaded the thought of the world waking up and becoming alive, because their aliveness made me feel dead. I didn't want light, because it made everything too clear and forced me to confront things I wasn't ready to face. I didn't want to hear other people talking, because I didn't want to have to respond. I didn't want to see people shuffling their way to work, because I had lost mine and it made me sad. Daybreak meant I had to make a series of decisions before I could walk out of my ...

It's 2am, and you're going over divorce lawyer emails and custody schedules in your head. Bills are piled on your desk. Your ex just sent another text about who's picking up the kids. And then, out of nowhere, this thought sneaks in: “What if I could fall in love again?” Almost immediately, the shame hits, fast and hard. The Fairy Tale You're Too Old For You're a grown woman, a mother and a professional educator. You have stretch marks, a teenage daughter and parent-teacher conferences to prepare for. Yet, last week, you found yourself watching that rom-com you watched when you were a teenager. Sam on the radio, talking about his late wife with such quiet love that Annie pulls over her car and weeps listening to a stranger; and that iconic Empire State Building ending! Where Sam and Annie finally meet - no raunchy, cheesy kisses. He simply offers her his hand. So serendipitous, so pure, so romantic. You were giving yourself permission to imagine, just for a little w...

  It's Mother's Day tomorrow in Singapore. You have been making cards with your students all week, encouraging them to honour their mums and smiling brightly when they proudly show you their creations. There are little surges of tears and pain that threaten to surface, but you fight them with these thoughts. "I may have made a mess of my own family but I cannot and must not project this unhappiness onto their perfect little lives." "Their mums are great. Their mums are fantastic. They must be beautiful, lovable beings who did everything right. Unlike me." You snap yourself out of your thoughts and force yourself to be present in this happy, meaningful learning moment for your students. "They're going to have a perfect Mother's Day. What kind of Mother's Day have I given my own kids?" You mentally slap yourself back to the present again - and this time, your tears are sitting right at the edge of your waterline. What you are carrying rig...

If you are a teacher going through a divorce, there is a very good chance you have already spent months asking yourself what you could have done differently. Whether you were attentive enough. Attractive enough. Whether you gave enough, said enough, stayed quiet enough, spoke up enough. You run through the marriage the way you would run through a lesson plan that went badly, looking for the part where you made the error. Perhaps what I'm about to say next can help answer these questions. The class that only misbehaves for you Before you continue reading, please be very clear that I am not offering excuses for anyone's behaviour. I am simply suggesting a different perspective that you may want to consider - because this perspective definitely helped me breathe a little better about what happened in my divorce. Every experienced teacher knows this scene. Your class is loud, unsettled, testing every boundary. Then a colleague steps in to cover for five minutes, and they sit up st...

  "I'll sort it out when things settle." That is not a plan. That is how you come home to a flooded house. I know it takes a lot to reach out for help. It seems straightforward to others - dial a number, send an email, get out of the room. That’s because everyone focuses on the actions and fails to recognise the emotional effort it takes. Doing all that feels like one more thing. It feels like admitting something out loud that you are not ready to say yet. It feels like spending energy you simply do not have. Asking for help is even more counterintuitive if you are a teacher. You are the one who holds things together - for your students, for your children, for everyone in the family. So, I understand. I was in that same emotional lethargy 15 years ago when I was going through my divorce. But 15 years on, I also look back and realise seeking help wasn’t about doing more - it was about showing up for myself. Your pipes just burst Your best dress gets drenched and your makeu...