The Toxic Husband You Want To Ex But Cannot (Because He Can’t Make Up His Bloody Mind)

 

He was the one who cheated, but he won’t let you go

I understand how perplexing that is. What in the world does he want?? I understand how that makes you feel like your freedom is at this mercy. I understand how painful this can be, that he seems to only know how to express himself in ways that hurt you more and more. I also understand how it exhausts you, because every single time he changes his mind, you have to start again emotionally, mentally, physically. 

The torturous part about this is somewhere in the dark crevices of your mind, you secretly wonder whether his ambivalence means something. “Perhaps I am the one he truly loves? Perhaps it was a pure mistake? People make mistakes right? Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance? Does it make me the bad person if I leave without trying to make it work?” 

A true story

A client of mine lived this psychotic insanity for years, before she started coaching with me. In the course of her coaching program, her husband changed his mind three times about getting a divorce. Three times she thought she could finally move. Three times he pulled the ground out from under her. When she finally stopped waiting for his permission to proceed, he started threatening her. 

He told her she would lose her child, that the courts would side with him because she was not Singaporean, that she was a bad mother ruining their child's life.

My poor client started to believe him. He attacked her when she was most vulnerable - past midnight, when her mind spiralled the most, when most of the world was asleep and he could be loudest. 

Most women in that situation would start to believe such bullocks toxicity, at least for a moment, because those messages are precisely targeted at all the tender spots raw fear that are already existing within them. 

Moral of the story: Get a coach who doesn't sleep early

You know I'm kidding about that. But in all seriousness, it was a good thing I'm a night owl. I received her screenshots and messages close to 1am, and this is what I told her:

“He changed his mind three times NOT because he loves you and can't let go. THIS IS NOT LOVE. He changed his mind three times because every time he did, you stopped in your tracks. He recognised that this would soften you and it worked, every single time. Now, when it stopped working… when he saw your resolution in getting a divorce, when he saw that you were prepared with plans for the future (that didn’t include him), and when he started to smell confidence in you… he reached for the next weapon - your child. What a pathetic cheapskate.”

(Ok, no, I didn’t say the cheapskate part)

“The threats are not confidence. They are panic in disguise. Telling you that you will lose custody, that you are at a disadvantage because you are not Singaporean, that you are an unfit mother - none of this is a legal assessment. It is a desperate man who can see he is no longer in control, doing the only thing left below the belt. This is exactly what he wants you to feel - small, guilty, vulnerable - so that you will give up.”

Divorce is psychological warfare

Divorce isn’t just legal. It is also emotional and psychological. Having a way to keep your mind in the sanity zone can make all the difference to how you’re going to walk out of this episode, and is the most important thing you can do for yourself and your child during this time.

My client came out of this a very happy woman. By the end of the coaching program, she managed to secure a stable job with a stable income, find a good rental place with a good environment for herself and her daughter (which was crucial in the custody battle), and needless to say, won care and control of her daughter. 

Now what are you waiting for? DM me and let’s have a free chat for 30 min.