Divorcing With Sanity

There may be a version of "okay" that you have been chasing ever since the divorce proceedings started, and it looks like this: the divorce is finalised, your children are settled, you find a place that feels like home and the job is secure. Then you'll be okay. Then you can breathe. Then you'll be ready. This is where I challenge my clients' beliefs: waiting until everything is "fixed" before you allow yourself to feel okay is not a strategy. It's a trap. In life, our goalposts keep moving. You get through one thing and another thing surfaces. The visa question gets sorted and then the custody conversation starts. You stop crying at work and then a student asks where your husband is and you nearly lose it in the corridor. There will always be a reason why now is not the time to be okay. The Ground-Shaking Truth Your students don't need you to be perfect. They need you to be present. Your child doesn't need you to have it all figured out...

I am going to say the thing your friends are too kind to say. The way you are coping right now is not actually protecting you - it is costing you. You are an expat teacher going through a divorce Of course you are afraid of losing your visa the moment your employment wavers. Of course you are watching every dollar because unlike a Singaporean, there is no housing subsidy - just full market rent and a salary that has to stretch further than it ever did before. Of course you are terrified of losing custody because that might mean being geographically apart from your child. Your job is not just your job. It is the pivotal thread that holds all three of those fears together.  So you hold on tighter, push on stronger, hang on longer. Even though the truth is you are staring at a pile of marking at 10pm and not able to pick up the pen. The truth is tears are welling up as you watch your students do their work. The truth is you can barely breathe as you say ‘yes’ to leading a school celeb...

Even when everyone says you should be “fine alone” If you're a 45 year old divorced teacher secretly scrolling dating apps at 3am, telling you this might make you feel less crazy (and ashamed). It’s a story that goes 15 years back into my past life, when I first had my divorce. I used to get really annoyed when people tell me it's ok to be alone.   “You don’t need anyone” “You’re such a strong, independent woman” “You’ve survived being a single parent for so long, why do you need anyone now?” There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone. Just because you lie in bed at night wanting someone who actually gets your jokes, remembers how you take your coffee, or gives you a cuddle unconditionally doesn’t make you weak, pathetic or unattractive - it means you are human. Shame Grows On You Like Dirty, Disgusting Mould At the beginning, I felt ashamed for wanting these basic human things. I thought, "Maybe I'm needy. Maybe I haven't healed enough. Maybe I'm one of those ...

When you're going through a toxic divorce, every email from your ex's lawyer can feel like a punch to the gut. You read those cold, clinical words threatening to take away custody. Or demanding ridiculous financial terms. And your stomach drops because you know this isn't about fairness anymore. It's about control. Last week, a client showed me an email where her ex demanded she pay for his therapy sessions. The same man who spent 20 years in the same bed as you, raising the same children, two of which was spent having an affair. The audacity was breathtaking, but sadly, not unusual. What toxic divorce warfare looks like It's 2am and you're wide awake, scrolling through WhatsApp messages that give you that nauseating feeling that sucks your guts dry. Messages designed to trigger you, to make you react badly so they can screenshot your response for court. Your ex shows up unannounced at your work - the same school that your child goes to - creating shameful drama...