A Different Mother's Day For The Newly Divorced Teacher

 

It's Mother's Day tomorrow in Singapore. You have been making cards with your students all week, encouraging them to honour their mums and smiling brightly when they proudly show you their creations. There are little surges of tears and pain that threaten to surface, but you fight them with these thoughts.

"I may have made a mess of my own family but I cannot and must not project this unhappiness onto their perfect little lives."

"Their mums are great. Their mums are fantastic. They must be beautiful, lovable beings who did everything right. Unlike me."

You snap yourself out of your thoughts and force yourself to be present in this happy, meaningful learning moment for your students.

"They're going to have a perfect Mother's Day. What kind of Mother's Day have I given my own kids?"

You mentally slap yourself back to the present again - and this time, your tears are sitting right at the edge of your waterline.

What you are carrying right now is tremendous. You are going through a divorce, holding down a full-time job and parenting a child who is also trying to make sense of what is happening. The cruel constant reminder of your own broken marriage as you look at other people’s children as a teacher is a gruelling test of your emotional resilience that most people cannot manage. You are doing all of them at once, every single day.

It’s not easy. Know that someone sees this.

I know that saying "divorce does not make you a bad mother" will not make the guilt go away. You have probably heard some version of it already, and it comforts you for a moment - and then it doesn't. 

Being a new kind of mother takes working through and coming to terms with many types of feelings: guilt, anger, resentment. Just how would you approach parenthood in the coming days?

Before we get there, here’s a little suggestion for this Mother’s Day. Forget the big, bombastic, picture-perfect moments. For tomorrow, let’s just focus on being present. The trick to being present is to notice. Notice what your child is wearing, notice how they are giggling, notice the sensation of their skin on yours. Let yourself receive whatever they offer - a drawing, a hug, even just their presence next to you. That is the relationship. It is still intact, and it is still yours.

You are their mother today, the same as you were yesterday, and the same as you will be tomorrow. That cannot be divorced.

I have walked alongside many divorcing teachers struggled through this difficult journey. I would love to help you with this as well, because I believe being a mum is a super power, and this super power deserves to shine through. Shall we talk?