Asking for help isn't about doing more - it's about showing up for yourself

By Tan Yan Mei

 


"I'll sort it out when things settle." That is not a plan. That is how you come home to a flooded house.

I know it takes a lot to reach out for help.

It seems straightforward to others - dial a number, send an email, get out of the room. That’s because everyone focuses on the actions and fails to recognise the emotional effort it takes. Doing all that feels like one more thing. It feels like admitting something out loud that you are not ready to say yet. It feels like spending energy you simply do not have.

Asking for help is even more counterintuitive if you are a teacher. You are the one who holds things together - for your students, for your children, for everyone in the family.

So, I understand. I was in that same emotional lethargy 15 years ago when I was going through my divorce. But 15 years on, I also look back and realise seeking help wasn’t about doing more - it was about showing up for myself.

Your pipes just burst

Your best dress gets drenched and your makeup is ruined. You need to drop your kids off at school in 20 minutes, just in time before your most important presentation of your life as a first-time speaker at the education conference. You planned to touch up that last Powerpoint slide for the presentation.

But you don't "wait for things to get better" - you still call the plumber first anyway. Everything else HAS to wait. Otherwise, you will come home to a flooded house.

You are exhausted from staying up all night preparing for that presentation, and you didn’t have time that morning. But the stark urgency of seeing water gushing out of your pipes right before your eyes made you call for help anyway.

This is exactly where you are right now

The divorce proceedings are happening. The 3am spirals are happening. The performance you are putting on in the staffroom every single day - that is happening too. Your pipes are already bursting.

Yet you are telling yourself:

"I'll get help when the term ends." "I just need to get through this week first." "I'm not ready yet. I need to feel more stable before I start anything new."

These are not plans. These are the same thing as standing in the flood and waiting for the water to stop.

The hardest time to reach out is the exact right time to do it

Nothing is going to change by itself. Time does not fix the pipes. You do. You didn’t have to know how to do it. You didn’t have to learn a new skill. You didn’t have to feel ready. You called the plumber with the assurance that someone would create that safe space for you, so you could have the peace of mind to do what you needed to do in life.

You did your part by raising the alarm and showing up for the comfort of your home.

And that was all that was needed.

If this sounds like what you are going through - would you consider showing up for yourself? DM me and let’s chat.

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