4am Knew All My Secrets - And What That Cost Me

"The night is the hardest time to be alive, and 4am knows all my secrets." - Poppy Z. Brite

During my post-divorce depression, I used to love the silence of the night.

I became unsure if I was sleeping at 6am because I truly had insomnia, or simply because 4am was the only time I felt safe enough to be myself. I would stand at my window, talk to the tree outside, and listen to the whispers of the stars.

When the sun began to rise, a cold, sinking feeling would overcome me. I dreaded the thought of the world waking up and becoming alive, because their aliveness made me feel dead. I didn't want light, because it made everything too clear and forced me to confront things I wasn't ready to face. I didn't want to hear other people talking, because I didn't want to have to respond. I didn't want to see people shuffling their way to work, because I had lost mine and it made me sad.

Daybreak meant I had to make a series of decisions before I could walk out of my room door. How I would present myself, how I would talk to my daughter, what I would say to my parents.

Sleeping only at daybreak became a comfort ritual for several years. But while it comforted me, it was also draining the life out of me without me knowing.

If you are reading this, you are likely going through divorce and also taking comfort in the silence of the night. The only difference is you haven’t lost your job yet, so you are probably trying to fill in the silence with Jay Shetty videos, convincing yourself that this is your unwinding ritual so that you can sleep well so that you can get back to school the next morning and walk into class bright and spritely for the kids. 

Either that, or you are strategising the divorce battle, shuffling tasks like custody arrangements, lawyer emails and financial management like Tetris, believing that this is the prime time when you can ‘think clearly’.

It’s your way of telling yourself “Everything is okay and I’m a strong, independent woman handling it well.” 

I hate to burst your bubble, but the moment of truth is necessary. I lived this lie for too many years, without knowing that there was a way to rest and move forward at the same time. 

The night feels like it is protecting you. But what it is actually doing is running your nervous system on a loop, getting nowhere, burning the fuel you need to stand in front of your class tomorrow and be the person those children trust.

You may be handling these tasks seemingly well, but the truth is the more you try to think your way out at 4am, the more you are spiralling. As you walk down this deceptive path that you got everything together, what you are approaching is not a light at the end of the tunnel, but a beautiful structure that is waiting to crumble. 

Today, as a divorce coach, I have learnt ways a person needs to move forward while ensuring the emotional health is caught up and on par. 

I do not want to see anyone lose years to those nights the way I did. Shall we talk?