It’s Okay to Want Love Again After Your Divorce

Even when everyone says you should be “fine alone”

If you're a 45 year old divorced teacher secretly scrolling dating apps at 3am, telling you this might make you feel less crazy (and ashamed). It’s a story that goes 15 years back into my past life, when I first had my divorce.

I used to get really annoyed when people tell me it's ok to be alone. 

“You don’t need anyone”

“You’re such a strong, independent woman”

“You’ve survived being a single parent for so long, why do you need anyone now?”

There’s nothing wrong with wanting someone. Just because you lie in bed at night wanting someone who actually gets your jokes, remembers how you take your coffee, or gives you a cuddle unconditionally doesn’t make you weak, pathetic or unattractive - it means you are human.

Shame Grows On You Like Dirty, Disgusting Mould

At the beginning, I felt ashamed for wanting these basic human things. I thought, "Maybe I'm needy. Maybe I haven't healed enough. Maybe I'm one of those women who can't function without a relationship."

So I paste on a smile when people asked how I was doing after divorce. "Oh, I'm loving my independence!”. I lied through my teeth, while disgust grew in my gut - perhaps at myself for speaking against my heart, perhaps at others for placing that expectation on me. 

I watch other divorced friends post about their "glow ups" and solo adventures, and I wonder what's wrong with me for wanting someone to share the mundane Tuesday evenings with.

Then It Makes You Really Angry

After a while, it made me really angry. Why wouldn’t anyone understand what I wanted? I’m a beautiful, wonderful person worthy of love. Yes I’m strong and independent - that doesn’t mean I don’t get tired being it. 

I want to wake up one day and not feel guilty for wanting companionship. I want to believe that wanting love doesn't make you incomplete or unevolved. I want someone to agree with me that it’s normal and healthy to crave connection, especially after betrayal.

I was getting angry that everyone was making me feel bad about myself. 

So I Started Accepting Myself (Since Nobody Else Wanted To)

It was not an easy journey - after years of self-coaching and countless meditation sessions, I came to a revelation that helped me overcome this shame and anger.

I realised what was making me miserable wasn’t other people. It was from me rejecting my own feelings. Every time we have a feeling that we have brainwashed ourselves to believe is undesirable, our first instinct is to push it away with anger. Yet because that feeling is a part of us, it is what we want - pushing it away makes us feel empty and unhappy.

That's what makes us feel lousy.

So I tried something different. Instead of pushing it away, I tried sitting with it. Whether you feel it in your stomach, chest or throat, resist the urge to throw it away immediately, and try keeping the feeling in that part of your body. 

“I’m feeling lonely” - sit with it. 

“I feel sad” - hold it in

“I need someone” - say it out loud

The magical thing is, it didn’t feel as bad as I thought it would.

It’s Not The Feeling That Destroys You

That’s when I realised it’s not the feeling that destroys me, but the denial of it. You may be horrified at the idea of it, but try it and you’ll see what I mean. The magic happens when not only does it feel more comfortable, the feeling seems to bloom into something beautiful, because you honour it as a part of who you are.

Acceptance kills shame.

Next time you catch yourself feeling ashamed about wanting love, don't push it away. Sit with it for five minutes. Don't try to fix it or change it. Just notice it without judgment.

Ask yourself: "What if this feeling is actually perfectly normal and human?" Then watch how your relationship with that desire changes when you stop making it wrong.

I work with divorcing expat educators to help them keep their sanity, jobs and residency, so they can move forward without losing everything. If this is you and you want to stop feeling guilty about wanting love again, DM me and let's chat about how to get there without losing yourself.